Blame It On the Alcohol
by Simply Hopeless
Summary: Naruto had always wanted a family ever since he was little. But he didn't factor two drunken nights and a little of Kyuubi's mischief would impregnate Itachi and Gaara and give him the family he so desperatly needed. NaruGaar, NaruIta Yaoi, MPreg


Hello this is Simply Hopeless/Assassin's Kiss here with a new story for you. I do not own Naruto but this story is completely mine. I know mpregs have been done too death but I was bored and I felt like knocking someone up. I know weird, a girl knocking someone up? But hopefully this is semi-original and crackish, especially since it's not Naruto all preggers. Doesn't he have enough to deal without being raped or having Sasuke as a baby daddy? But that doesn't mean I don't enjoy the idea of a seme Naru-chan at the beck n' call of two pregnant, homicidal men. Well hopefully you enjoy this and show your love and support by leaving a comment.

**Blame it On The Alcohol**

Chapter One: Baby Mama Drama

Naruto silently mourned his splintered door that had been torn off its hinges and lay somewhere outside in the pouring rain. There must have been a noise canceller jutsu placed around his apartment because he couldn't hear the familiar pitter pat of the rain; nor could he see any of his nosey new civilian neighbors coming out of their toasty homes to investigate who was disturbing their slumber. It was probably better that they didn't come out to investigate because then he'd have to protect them from the two men sitting civilly in his living room.

Some of his knick-knacks, which he had collected on his missions since he was a Genin up until his current rank of ANBU, lay broken in the entryway. It was one of many items completely destroyed or damaged during the tussle the moment after answering his door. The other items included an overturn ficus plant with half its' leaves scorched off and a broken handcrafted end table that Hinata had given to him as a housewarming present. If he looked behind him he'd see a scorch mark and the remnants of the painting Sai had given to him after much cajoling and a begrudging agreement to pose nude for him. He stopped counting the damage after that because the last item he listed was already giving him a headache and smacked of depression. How the hell was he going to explain to his former teammate why he would need a new ink painting? Was it really worth it if it meant Sai would leer at him again with that creepy, placid smile as he drew his naughty bits?

The blonde sighed heavily, scratching his already messy but sexy bed-hair as his blue gaze zeroed in on the two intruders that caused the destruction of his beautiful home. They occupied his crème colored couch that was practically halved in two by the shark-like man name Kisame and his chakra-eating sword Samehada. The fact that that same shark man had commandeered his kitchen and was now offering him chamomile tea did nothing to soothe his nerves. It instead made him ponder if it might be poisonous as he silently thanked him before setting his saucer to the side.

"Again, I apologize for the mess we made; but if you had been a good host in the first place and let us in without complaint, then none of this would have happen," the raven haired man, known as Itachi explained calmly. Once finished Itachi readjusted his tea on his saucer before taking a tentative sip, humming his approval at the taste. Apparently his tea was poison-free.

"I am sorry. But if it weren't for the fact that you and your little killer boy band have been trying to kidnap and kill me and my friend Gaara on more than one occasion then I wouldn't have hesitated to bring out the good china and the green tea dango sooner. Instead you have made it absolutely clear that your main mission is to get at my creamy, nuggety, monster goodness," Naruto grumbled out bitterly. That didn't stop him from pushing the plate of freshly purchased dango towards his uninvited guests. It was a purchase he made on his last mission in hopes of sharing it with more savory company; but since Kisame made them tea, the least he could do was provide some sort of appetizer.

"Me and Kisame are reformed killers. We have already requested an audience with your Hokage for this coming afternoon to turn ourselves in in hopes of being reinstated as proper Konoha nins," Itachi offered honestly. He sat ramrod straight on his broken half of the couch; his straw hat sitting on the arm of the couch, as he looked already bored at their discussion.

"Rrriiiggghhhtttt… And you thought, why not stop in my little brother's ex best friend's brand new home and wreck it for the hell of it to bide our time, huh?" Naruto barely managed to say in one breath. He was slightly proud in himself that he could say that mouthful in one go. So proud in fact that he was smug enough to smile, which only caused Itachi to raise his brow askance.

"Actually, as I stated before we wouldn't have made such a mess if you would have let us in without putting up a fuss. But that is beside the point. I had something very important to tell you," Itachi said dismissively. He didn't like to repeat himself but had figured that the blonde male slouched in front of him wasn't processing information as quickly as he could so early in the morning.

"It's like… What? 3:25 in the morning! What was so important you couldn't tell me when the rest of humanity was up and about?" Naruto grumbled out. His voice huskier than usual from waking up almost twenty minutes ago sounded almost sexy if you ignored what he was saying.

"Besides the fact that I'm still a missing nin in the Bingo book and would be arrested before I could knock on your door in broad daylight? Honestly, you may have grown up but in many ways you'll still be that little brat who stared stupidly at us in that hotel room," Itachi murmured, clicking his tongue at the obvious answer. Naruto had indeed grown up to be very handsome with his messy hair, tall frame and mischievous blue eyes. But those handsome features were lost on the blonde since he clearly didn't have the brains to use it.

"Whatever, so what is it you have to say?" Naruto demanded, fighting back the need to yawn. He sat a bit straighter, preparing himself. His katana sheathed at his side in case he needed it.

Itachi let out a frustrating sigh. He was grateful that his partner, Kisame hadn't sliced up the impatient blonde. But slightly annoyed that Kisame hadn't sliced him up either. Especially when he was on the precipice of a migraine. "I'm having a baby," Itachi stated plainly, not bothering to dress it up.

"Is this the part where I say congratulations on knocking up some poor sap?" Naruto inquired, letting his back fall back in his chair before crossing his long legs. He drummed his hand impatiently against the arm of his chair, his brow drawn up in a frown as he tried to figure out what Itachi having a baby had anything to do with him. He had agreed to babysit Iruka's class while the brunette was out sick and he needed plenty of sleep to deal with those snot-nosed brats and their pestering him with redundant questions. Not, whatever this mess was.

"Shut up Jinchuuriki and let my partner speak. The fact that neither him or I have ripped off your arms and legs is because this shit is important. So shut it or I'll shut it for you," growled out Kisame before taking a vicious bite of his stick of dango.

Itachi nodded his head in thanks at his partner-in-crime's unorthodox methods of getting the blonde to listen. But that still didn't stop him from pressing his black painted fingertips down against his partner's shoulder to keep him there in the chair; all the while his blood red gaze that was now the neutral onyx of his birth remained steadfastly on Naruto.

"As insincere as your congratulations was, I'll take it. But I didn't knock up some poor sap, as you so stated. Nor did I decide to steal a baby. The 'poor sap' you referred to is actually me and the person who knocked _me_ up is unfortunately_ you_," sighed out Itachi regretfully.

A long stretch out silenced yawned out in front of the three occupants in the room as the blonde twenty-two year old tried to process this. Every time he tried to accept what Itachi stated, he couldn't help but become incapacitated by the fact that both of them were males. "Wait… What? Are you telling me I'm having man babies with you?" Naruto finally spluttered out intelligently after a few minutes.

"If 'man babies' means you are having babies with a man, then yes. Yes you are. Congratulations, you're going to be a dad," Itachi said, raising his brow in amusement. He secretly hoped that their unborn child would receive his talents from his side of the family.

"You're pulling my leg, aren't you? Shit Kiba if that's actually you I'm gonna' fucking kick your ass so badly you won't be able to sit down for weeks," growled out Naruto. Although the mischievous gleam in Naruto's eyes suggested that he was all in for a good prank even as he cracked his knuckles threateningly.

Slowly Kisame helped his partner stand up before Itachi formed the hand seal to release the henge he had placed on himself. It was a necessary evil to deceive those potential enemies who wouldn't hesitate to attack that particular area that he had chosen to hide. And there it was, as clear as day. Even in his spacious black and red Akatsuki robes, his once flat abs was overtaken by a small little hill of clothed flesh.

"It's yours you brainless twit, so take responsibility. I'll expect to move in with you once things settle down and we'll of course allow the baby's godfather to live with us until he finds proper living arrangements." Itachi began to rattle off his orders even as he gently patted his swelled belly.

"G… Godfather… Living arrangements? Who is… when is he…?" Naruto squeaked out still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that there was a future Uzumaki trapped within the homicidal killer in front of him. Not only that he was pretty sure he didn't remember having any relations with his would-be killer to warrant a child in the first place.

"Well, Kisame of course. If she meets with my approval you can pick out the godmother. But not that annoying pink-haired girl because she makes my skin crawl each time she speaks. In fact, I ban her from our presence. She cannot be within fifteen feet of us at all times. I'll make sure to draw up a restraining order for the three of us while Kisame and I are being interrogated," Itachi informed as if everything was finalized already.

"You can't just put a restraining order on one of my friends. It doesn't matter how annoying she may be with her 'Sasuke-kun' this and her 'Sasuke-kun' that. Even the fact that she's stronger than the hulk and has tried on several exchanges to give me brain damage… Well I'm not making a good case for her but 'no'. No to all of it because I'm still not convinced it's mine. Men cannot have children with men. You'd have to have eggs and other female things plus you would have had to have been the bott… was I the seme in this alleged tryst?" asked Naruto, his interesting finally piqued. He honestly didn't see how that would work but he liked the idea of dominating.

Itachi purposely ignored his last statement to focus on the former one. "Well then why don't you summon your precious Hokage to confirm what I already know is true. That I am with child and that it can only be yours," Itachi insisted. He would not be denied a father for his baby, no matter if that father was drowning in the river of denial.

"I think I'll just do that," grumbled Naruto before he bit his thumb. He waited until blood started to well on the fleshy pad of his thumb before he proceeded to make his summoning technique. A small cloud of smoke appeared in the place where he had formed his technique before a small, piping red frog with small steampunk goggles appeared in front of him.

"What's it to ya boss?" asked the messenger toad, saluting the blonde.

"Tell Baa-chan to come to my house as soon as possible. We need her medical expertise so she might need to bring her medical bag. Also tell her it's an emergency but she can't bring no one else except Shizune," Naruto instructed carefully.

"If you don't mind tell her to bring a casserole dish as well. Something noodely and maybe some chunky monkey ice cream, I'm famished," Itachi tacked on. Causing the blonde to look at the elder Uchiha in disbelief before his frog disappeared in a puff of smoke, saluting and agreeing to the orders.


End file.
